Episode 3 - Raising Resilience: The Power of Positive Parenting and Social-Emotional Development"

Dr. Maria Jesus Ampuero is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a Ph.D. in Psychology. She currently has been providing Mental Health Services for the past 24 years and has been working at the Desert Mountain Children Center (DMCC) for almost 18 years as a Behavioral Health Counselor. She specializes in working with individuals across the lifespan, with a particular focus on trauma, neuro-developmental disorders, and family dynamics.

In this episode of Fostering Futures, we're joined by Maria Ampuero to discuss and explore how positive parenting lays the groundwork for social-emotional development--and why every connection counts in raising emotionally resilient children.

🔑 Highlights & Takeaways:

• Positive Parenting Defined
  • Positive parenting is a nurturing and supportive approach that emphasizes communication, warmth, and non-harmful discipline.
  • It fosters emotional well-being and health social behavior.
• Social Emotional Development
  • Children need help understanding and managing emotions and building positive relationships
• Parent-Child Dynamics, Developmental Awareness and Modeling Consistency
  • Understanding the differences between a child's developmental age and chronological age when setting expectations and responses.
  • Recognize diverse caregiver roles-- biological, foster, adoptive, stepparent, or grandparent-- and how each may shape the parent-child relationship.
  • Consistency in words and actions builds trust and helps children feel secure and guided.
• Cultural Perspectives on Parenting
  • Physical punishment in some cultures; Maria shares her shift to consequence-based discipline.
• Validation and Emotional Regulation
  • Validate children’s feelings instead of minimizing them.
  • Example of a child’s small injury feeling like a big deal.
• Reinforcing Good Behavior (Positive Reinforcement)
  • Praise and acknowledge effort to encourage desirable behavior.
  • Avoid over-focusing on negatives (e.g., a single bad grade on a report card).
• Technology vs. Human Interaction
  • Importance of psychoeducation about screen time and cognitive development in early years.
  • Need for face-to-face interaction.
• Alternatives to Device Time
  • Use structured activities like walking, painting, or showing pride in a child’s creativity.
  • It’s the presence, not perfection, that matters.
• Discipline and Consequences in Positive Parenting
  • Discipline = consistent consequences, not punishment or fear-based threats.
  • Children must learn that actions have outcomes.
• Teaching Responsibility Through Language Shift
  • Replace “Who’s guilty?” with “Who is responsible?”
  • Helps avoid shame and teach accountability.
• Reframing Parental Growth & Support
  • Self-awareness is key. Acknowledge learning and effort as progress.
  • Support one another as co-parents instead of criticizing.
• Modeling Positive Relationships for Kids
  • How spouses interact (e.g., appreciation vs. criticism) is a model for kids.
• Resources
  • Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)
  • Social Learning Theory (Albert Bandura)
  • Positive Discipline (Jane Nelsen)

Whether you're a parent, educator

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Transcript

00:00:00: Athena

OK, Maria. So, today we're going to be talking about positive parenting and social emotional development. OK, you and I have talked about this before. You gave me a lot to think about. Really good examples. So, I can't wait for our listeners to hear what you have prepared for us today. So first, if you could just introduce yourself. Tell us about your role here at CAHELP and then we’ll get started.

00:00:21 Maria

Perfect. Hello everyone. I'm Maria Ampuero and I’m a Marriage Family Therapist working as a behavioral counselor for Desert Mountain Children's Center. I have a PhD in psychology here at the center for the past 17 years now, and I really enjoy what I do. I'm originally from Peru, South America, and so as you can see, English is my second language, and I am very proud to be able to communicate in both languages with anyone.

00:01:01: Athena

So, you're from Peru, Maria? I have to ask. Do you get to visit or when's the last time you’ve been there?

00:01:07: Maria

Yes. We make an effort to at least go once a year, and the only time we could not do that was when the pandemic happened, but we already re-initiated our trip, so we're going back again this March to see the family excited about that.

00:01:27: Athena

OK. One more question about Peru. Favorite dish?

00:01:31: Maria

Hmm.

00:01:32: Athena

I know. Is that too hard to answer?

00:01:34: Maria

It's called Anticuchos.

00:01:36: Athena

OK, tell me what that is.

00:01:39: Maria

Probably for many it's kind of hard to digest because it's the heart of the beef.

00:01:44: Athena

OK.

00:01:45: Maria

That is being marinated in a very special type of sauce and they’re just kind of grilled and then you just eat it and it's delicious. It comes in a little, what is that called kabobs or something that you…those long needles or?

00:02:02: Athena

Oh ok.

00:02:03: Maria

What is that called? Kabob?

00:02:05: Athena

A kabob?

00:02:06: Maria

Something like that, yes.

00:02:06: Athena

Yeah, gotcha. OK. So, before I take us into all the different foods that I'm sure are delicious, let's get back to it. So, you're going to talk to us today about positive parenting. Can you tell us what that means? When you say positive parenting, what do you mean by that?

00:02:22: Maria

Yeah. Well, let's look at the word positive. It’s something that we feel happy with. Something that gives us the optimism. So actually, it refers to a nurturing and supportive approach of parenting that will emphasize the communication, the warmth, but also discipline in a way that is not harmful to the children.

00:02:48: Maria

So, with positive parenting, we wanted to teach parents these strategies that will foster that emotional well-being and the healthy and social behaviors in our children.

00:03:00: Athena

So, and I know when we first talked about you coming on the episode, you know during that episode with us, you said that the social emotional development has a lot to do with positive parenting. So, how does this social emotional development affect our ability I guess to even try positive parenting?

00:03:20: Maria

Well, yeah, as entities, we are not only physical entities. We have a mind. We have a heart, so our social…and we are social entities. We cannot live just by ourselves, right?

00:03:34: Athena

Right.

00:03:35: Maria

Right, so that involves the ability to understand, to manage and express the emotions. Build that positive relationships and also, to be able to go around the social environment effectively.

00:03:53: Athena

OK, so let's say someone wanted to try this approach, right? Positive parenting. What are some things they might have to consider?

00:04:03

Yeah. Well, at first is the child's age, and when we're talking about the child's age, we have to talk about that developmental age. It’s not necessarily the same as the chronological age. There are some children that are, for example, three years old and may look like five or seven because they're really very smart or very well…they live in a very enriched environment and they there are other children who may not have the same luck per say and their environment is deficient, so they might really look like a one or two-year-old. We have seen a lot of children who, even though they are chronologically at one age developmentally, they are not. So, it is important to look at that because I cannot treat a child who is developmentally age at three the same way, if I will treat the child when he's five or six.

00:05:00: Athena

Right.

00:05:01: Maria

OK, so that's why. So that's one thing to consider would be the developmental age in the child then what is the relationship with the parent and the child. Are we talking about bio parents? Are we talking about foster parents? Adopted parents? Sometimes even grandparents that are taking care of their grandkids. You know now how society is. There are many ways that families are being formed. So, we even have stepparents taking care of their kids. Also, another thing to consider is to model the behavior. You know many times we expect the kid to behave, but we don't, right?

00:05:46: Athena

Easier said than done.

00:05:47: Maria

Right, exactly. So, for example, one time this mom said, “I don't know where my child is learning those bad words. He's only two. He doesn't go to school. You know he stays home with me all the time”. So, and I said, yeah, I wonder where he's learning those bad words from. Right? So, it's the modeling.

00:06:07: Athena

Imagine. Right?

00:06:12: Maria

But also, think about the cultural context. You know, different cultures will look at parenting in different ways. Coming from a Hispanic culture, we were learning that physical punishment is appropriate for example for good parenting. Definitely, I do disagree. We have our kids already grown and married and they never receive a belt from me, but they received consequences for their actions or their choices. So again, I do believe what I'm doing because that's the way I also treated my kids with, and the consistency. You have to be very consistent with everything you do and with everything you say. If you say in five minutes that TV is off, five minutes that TV is off, but if you hear you stay repeating for an hour that five minutes, there is no consequence.

00:07:12: Athena

There's no meaning to it, right?

00:07:14 Maria

Exactly.

00:07:15 Athena

OK, so let me see. I'm going to try to sum up what you gave us right now okay. So, keeping in mind that the developmental age and the actual age chronological age is not the same thing. The relationship between whoever's taking care of the child and the child. Modeling. So, if they're picking up bad words, they're getting it from somewhere. Right?

00:07:36 Maria

Exactly.

00:07:37 Athena

The cultural differences. And I was listening to you as you explained that and I'm biracial and the way I was raised and the way my mom is very involved in my kids’ lives, looks different than some of my friends, you know, or colleagues. I think it would be what some people call old school parenting, but I mean, it's what I know and I'm sure I picked up a lot of the same things in raising my own kids. I do try to model and that consistent piece I think is probably what helps me the most I figure with my kids. But for those who were raised with that kind of old school parenting, if they wanted to look into this approach, where would they start? How would they even begin?

00:08:25: Maria

Wow. Yeah, it is really not a like a cookie cutter.

00:08:32: Athena

Right.

00:08:33: Maria

Not to start with, but there's definitely… In order for us to start working with our kids, there has to be a connection. So, in order for that connection to happen, we have to observe. Observe what the kid is doing and then reflect back what we're seeing they're doing. So, for me that's very important and because when you just go straight and say no, you have to do it this way. No, you're doing it wrong instead of oh, wow, look at you. I see that you are playing with these Legos or, you know, just observe and see what the child is doing. It's very important because we all like to be seen, and we also we would like to be heard. So, whatever that child is saying or what he’s talking about, reflecting back is letting them know that we are listening to them. So, that is really important.

00:09:32: Athena

That makes sense, Maria. You know, as you're talking right now, I'm thinking if I could give my kids something to reflect on their own behavior, what's worth more than that, right? That's an example or a lesson in itself. For me to be able to show them how to reflect on what they're doing and how to learn from it. They're not always around me and I want them to be able to make good decisions when I'm not around. So, that's a good strategy I can see already, is teaching them how to do that.

00:10:03: Maria

Yeah, excuse me. When we do that, it's also a way to have to be in the same page or same plane with the child. You know, once you do that and then basically if you just get down and put yourself at the same eye-to-eye, you will get a lot more than just being like a tall, stand-up adult looking, you know, down there to the child. It makes a big difference even just doing that. So, when you do that, you start that connection. You start the regulation then validating their feelings and their emotions. Sometimes we tend to say, oh, that's nothing, you know, or you don't have anything to cry about and then it's very important a little, a little cut on a child for them, it's their life is going out.

00:10:57: Athena

Right.

00:10:58: Maria

You know, I remember my dad when I would have a little cut and I would show it to him, he will say oh, my Lord, all your stomach is coming out. All your things are coming out from your organs.

00:11:09

Right.

00:11:11: Maria

And you know, because that's how it felt probably to a child. He will validate it that way to me and then it felt understood. So, it is important to do that.

00:11:22: Athena

You know, you're right. I'm thinking right now. I've had the, you know, pleasure of working with kids for a lot of years plus I have two of my own kids and when you…they read your reaction.

00:11:34: Maria

They do.

00:11:34: Athena

If they fall down and you stress, you know you're loud, you're excited. You're showing fear. They look at you, and then all of a sudden, they become more fearful, more excited. Their response mocks yours. But if you're calm, they tend to be a little more calm. So, they're learning. That's learned behavior. You can see that. I think my parents were probably more like your dad. My mom would do those things. Oh, my gosh. Did you break your? You know you she would just go with the feeling, and I would reassure her, no, I'm OK, and then she would go good, you know? Oh, good. You're OK. You're going to make it. You'll be fine. So, you're right. It's actually making me think a lot about the conversation between me and my own kids. OK, so I'm hearing some strategies already in what you're explaining. So, can you give us a couple of strategies? Things that may be easier for parents to use if they've got multiple kids.

00:12:32: Maria

So, before the strategies, I would like to say that when you become a parent, you get instinctively, a lot of strategies and skills that you never thought you had before. It is the love. The mother love. The fatherly love. Those instincts really, really pay a price in that moment. Suddenly, you become very protective, and I mean again, this is in a regular way. Sometimes we are able to see that not all parents come equipped with those, but that's because of many other issues that we're not going to go in that direction because that's not the point right now but that also plays a role. So, keeping in mind that we already have like a list of things that we do not even know we can do, but we become very creative in front of our kids. But some basic strategies is doing what is called here the positive reinforcement. So, what does that mean? When we say about positive reinforcement is if I see you doing something that is really good and then I would say, wow, that is really cool. I really like how you drew that and the way that you're coloring. I'm so proud of you. So, what do you think that will make on you?

00:14:03: Athena

Well, it kind of turns it into what I'm feeling. Right? I'm so proud of you. I like the way you're drawing it. It's more attention on me, really, than what the kid is doing.

00:14:13: Maria

Yeah, and but also it gives you the sense that what I'm doing is appropriate. What I'm doing is good and then my parent likes that you know. Now at the same point that…so, that's a positive reinforcement. And then we all need that. Both the reinforcement comes with praises. Comes with acknowledgement and unfortunately, we tend to do the other way around. We tend to focus on the negative.

00:14:44: Athena

Gotcha

00:14:47: Maria

And then also that brings a reaction. You know in us as adults. It will bring a reaction even worse than a child. So, the more that we provide that, it will help the child to build up their strength and then also their self-esteem. The way that they are going to behave. They want to behave good. Kids really want to be good. They want to be able to say to their parents, you know, I hope you're proud of me. They don't say that to us, but that's what they want. We all want that. We all want to be good and make good choices in our life.

00:15:24: Athena

So, I have to tell you right now the example that comes to my mind is report cards. You know you've got how many different grades on their five, six grades? Maybe there's A's and B's, but that one D. What's usually the conversation between parents and the kid is the one D before we get to the A's and the B's, and it still comes from a loving place. You know what happened, are you struggling here, what can you do better? But that initial reaction, I guess from the child would be, you know, of all the things that I did well, we're talking about the one thing that is that I didn't. So, I can see how you need to take that into consideration in that interaction and start from that positive approach. You know, acknowledge the good on the report card.

00:16:11: Maria

Yeah, but also…and that is for everything. Acknowledge their effort and acknowledge what it takes for this child or this youth that has these challenges. Acknowledge what they are going through and sometimes we forget about that and that's where when the struggles come with their parents and their children. So, what’s really good is validating their feelings and acknowledging their effort and then yes, you know, talk about what happened. Not as a way that you're a bad person, but what happened so we can work on it, so, it can be better. Always from that point.

00:16:55: Athena

Have you in in your experience have you had any specific examples, or you know, just experiences where you've tried these strategies with kids and seeing the positive impact that it can have?

00:17:10: Maria

Definitely. Yeah, and even in my own kids. You know, they gave me all the time for me to practice.

00:17:18: Athena

Of course, right.

00:17:19: Maria

Yeah, but they are, you know, always, even their friends will get to our home. Friends who will not be welcomed in any other places for whatever reasons. They were welcomed at home as long as you're respectful. As long as you are able to follow the rules, but also, as long as I'm able to see you and talk to you, get to know you. So, at the end, that's it. That's that connection. So, using any strategies that is welcoming, is really important. I mean there are so many things. So as something specific is that what you're saying? Something that we can do is validate your child. Listen to your child and validate it. Oh, I see that you are doing that so, how is it you know? I see that you're struggling, that must be hard. When you validate and then you relate to them then you can definitely kind of make them feel like you are relating to them.

00:18:28: Athena

So, I have to ask because a lot of what you're sharing it feels like we need face-to-face interaction to do these things and we've become accustomed to doing so much over the phone, through text message, on social media so for parents who are maybe new parents, what could someone do if they're used to reaching for the devices, you know, to communicate? How do you incorporate more of that personal interaction?

00:19:00: Maria

It is psychoeducation. It is educating the parent that, yes, technology brings us a lot of benefits, but it should not replace the human connection and the human contact. That is really important. So, when we provide that psychoeducation, then you cannot teach the parent that developmentally, for example, a child from zero to two years old should now watch TV. And the reason why is because developmentally they are learning from the world by touching, by licking, by smelling. You know, all that sensory. So, they're not going to go into the TV and start licking it.

00:19:43: Athena

Right.

00:19:45: Maria

Probably the cell phone, yes, but we don't want that either, so that's important. The other thing is that cognitive development that the child has. You know, from zero to two, they're not going to understand what I'm seeing. What is that? Can I, you know, talk to that person? It's not that development is not there, not even for a child who is four or five, right. You know, a child has to be at least six or seven to understand that the thing in the TV is a character that, you know, if something happens to that character is just that, a character is a fiction. It’s not reality. So, the cognitive development plays a big role and then for parents to understand that is again is providing that psychoeducation. Now when we go anywhere, what we see is a one-year-old in the stroller with a cell phone or with a tablet. You know so they can be quiet. It doesn't work that way.

00:20:47: Athena

So, and I know there's probably some parents going I need…this is a resource I need, right? I have so many things to do in the day. It's something that keeps them busy. It's educational, you know, programs I’m showing them and it's not easy to feel like the thing that you're doing to make your child calm or happy, or to get through, you know, running errands is not good for them. So, for that parent, for those that are our caregivers, grandparents who are listening, what is something that maybe that they can try that's? You know, to implement to balance some of that screen time or device time that they may be doing.

00:21:32: Maria

It's our presence. Our time with them. That's the most important thing and totally understand a busy parent and activities but we need to organize ourselves. You know, at one point I was a homemade, mom?

00:21:49: Athena

OK. A stay-at-home mom?

00:21:50: Maria

A stay-at-home mom, thank you. And so, I had a schedule with my kids based on what I learned from my mom, too, and it wasn't a schedule that was so rigid, but, for example, Friday was park time for us and what that meant is after waking up and having breakfast, I will walk with my toddlers around the neighborhood picking up little flowers or little rocks or plants or whatever and then coming back to the home, because that was the day that they were going to get their shower and stuff, so that was painting day, and they have a table. They have everything. It’s according to what you know, following a structure, following an order. So, you sit here. You paint here. We do this. We're going to show daddy when he comes home. What did you do? And then that would be that pride, you know. We did this. We’re going to put it on the refrigerator. Now, ok it's time to take a bath, clean up, everything is gone. And then ta da, you know. So, it's the presence. Now I understand. again, if you are a working parent because I also had another child after, when I became a working person, so I understand those challenges as well. But once you get home, you have to give yourself the time to be with your child. There is no way, even if you have 20,000 things to do, you still…you deserve that for you as a parent, but your child deserves that as well from you.

00:23:22: Athena

So, I'm glad you're explaining it this way, Maria, because I think some people hear the term positive parenting and think it's all rewards and praise. You know, not focusing on bad behavior. It gets kind of a negative, you know, connotation behind the term. But from what I'm hearing, there is actually a lot of structure and consistency. So, with positive parenting, where does the discipline…how does the discipline balance with positive parenting?

00:23:54: Maria

OK, every action casts a consequence. Every choice has a consequence. We make a choice that is appropriate. We're going to have a good consequence. We make mistakes. Even though we make mistakes, we still are going to have a consequence. You know, you pass a red light, it's not because you're a bad person. It's just because you got distracted but you're not going to tell the police, I'm sorry I got distracted. You’re still going to get your ticket.

00:24:26: Athena

Right.

00:24:27: Maria

That's the consequence. So, positive parenting is really related with discipline, but in a way for that child and actually for all of us to learn that there are consequences for all the choices that we make and that will go with us in life. You know, so we're going to play here. You're going to make a mess. It's OK. Once it's done, you clean it up.

00:24:51: Athena

Right?

00:24:52: Maria

That's it. You can play with whatever you want but after that, we clean it up. I'm not going to be cleaning after you because when you grow up and go into the world, I'm not going to be behind you cleaning up your mess.

00:25:02: Athena

Right. That's right.

00:25:04: Maria

So that's part of teaching the discipline. You know, for discipline, it has to be consistency. It has to be a structure. You have to mean what you're saying you're going to do. Even if you're going to say I'm going to spank you if you don't do this, I will have to spank you because I'm saying so. So, if you’re not going to do that you know? Or one time I was at this parent’s home, and I was doing assessment. The child was really all over the place and the lady told the girl, she was four, and she told her please behave otherwise this lady is going to take you.

00:25:44: Athena

Oh wow.

00:25:45: Maria

Because you know the cat is going to eat you.

00:25:50: Athena

Oh my.

00:25:51: Maria

Those are the things that we learn to say for the reason…because we wanted the child to behave.

00:25:57: Athena

Right.

00:25:58: Maria

And I looked at the mom and I said, would you really allow me to take her with me, and she said, no, of course not. I said exactly, and then I told the girl I'm sorry, I'm not going to take you. I have my own kids.

00:26:11: Athena

Right

00:26:12: Maria

Enough right? Right.

00:26:13: Athena

Right.

00:26:14: Maria

But…so those things, for example, they want to give a meaning to the child. The only thing is giving them a fear and then the sense that that's not real, so, I'm going to just continue behaving this way because I know that it's not going to happen.

00:26:34: Athena

You know, it's interesting you say it that way because with the new almost unlimited access kids have to TV, you know, programs, things on devices. To not model the consequence for them is just really giving them more of that, you know the things in the cartoons. It's not real. So, if you don't follow through with what you're saying, you're really kind of giving them more of the same, you know, that they're getting from those things instead of reality. I appreciate the example. It also sounds like there's room for a lot of problem-solving skills if you take this approach. If you make a mess, you know what are you going to do now? And you want to move on to the next thing you're going to have to clean this up before you move on to the next thing. There's good practice in that.

00:27:25: Maria

Yeah, and with that is also, and I'm glad you're saying that because that reminds me of the things that we use. There are two words that I believe where it’s being…actually it’s only one. The other one should be replaced. It’s being misused.

00:27:41: Athena

OK.

00:27:42: Maria

You know is to find who is guilty of this. In Spanish, it is quien es culpable, right? Who is guilty of throwing this onto the floor for this broken toy? Who's guilty of that? And then when we use that, and it's being used a lot in in many context, it gives really a very negative connotation and then at the same time, it's like I didn't do it, so, it's not my fault. But when we say about who is responsible for this then we're bringing something different

00:28:21: Athena

Right?

00:28:22: Maria

You know, responsibility is a value that is being, unfortunately, not totally there anymore as it used to, because we, parents, are not enforcing that. You know, making your child responsible for what he or she did. It's okay. So, you did that? It's okay. Now we're going to clean up. But okay, I'm going to go back. It's not saying, oh, its okay, honey, because that's just something else that I'm hearing lately.

00:28:51: Athena

Right.

00:29:03: Maria

You know, you make a mess. It's okay, don't worry. No, it's not okay. Maybe we should say you make a mess, well what are we going to do about it.

00:29:02: Athena

Right exactly.

00:29:03: Maria

Let's clean it up.

00:29:04: Athena

Yeah.

00:29:05: Maria

But I don't know how. We'll help you. We'll work together. We're a family. We'll work together until you learn to do it on your own. So, that's part of the working together as a family because your problem is our problem, you know? It's not…it’s not only yours. So, I think that's important.

00:29:25: Athena

So, for some of us, you know, to change the approach, something that we're used to doing and maybe even admitting to ourselves that some of the things we do kind of feel more like a band-aid than a long term, you know, solution. What information, what research, what methodologies do you refer to or share with folks in case they do want to do a little bit of a deeper dive into this particular area and the development that goes along with it that you explained earlier.

00:30:03: Maria

Well, definitely there are different resources and then I can provide you with some of them, but you brought something that is really important. You know when we are learning something new and then we think, oh my gosh, I'm not a good parent, I'm making these mistakes. Oh, I say this word again. Oh, I did that again. So, then we become kind of self-conscious of the things that we're doing bad and even we can tell the spouse, no, that's not right. You shouldn't do it that way. So, first is to be actually aware of what you're doing because if you…I mean…not if you did not know that before, how is that you're going to know that you're doing something wrong, right?

00:30:47: Athena

Right. You can't. It's almost like you don't know what you don't know, right?

00:30:51: Maria

Yeah, but when you know, then you start learning about you. So, you become aware of the things that you are doing and you're making the effort. So, you also have to be proud and be acknowledged for the effort you're making. Instead of telling your spouse you don't do it that way. You know we learned this and then you’re doing it wrong. Instead of that, maybe, wow you're making an effort and realizing that this is hard, but we can continue working on this together.

00:31:25: Athena

You know, you're right and it just goes to show us that, that need for that positive reinforcement never goes away.

00:31:34: Maria

No.

00:31:35: Athena

So, actually using that strategy and relying on that with your children, they're always going to need it. You're just giving it to them at an early stage and then helping them to understand how it's useful. That's modeling for what they can do with their own kids actually if they become a parent.

00:31:54: Maria

And not only that, looking at your relationships as grown-ups. You know what happens when the husband gets off from work, usually it’s that way. Many times, it's the other way around, too. But oh wow, I smell…oh what…what’s that? That's disgusting. Look at this house. It looks really horrible. You know what would be the reaction with the spouse? It’s not going to be exactly nice. However, if you get to the house and say wow. No, the kids were running all day but look the house looks clean, even though I can see shoes underneath, but the house is clean and my wife or my spouse made this food for all of us to eat. So, saying thank you so much. You know that house looks good, and you know your effort, I can see your effort. So, thank you, and the food, wow. Thank you. So, it's a different… it’s a different way of approaching. That's also modeling for the children.

00:32:54: Athena

It is. Yes. So, Maria, I have to say just in listening to you, I can hear just a sincere, genuine love for kids, but for family and the family unit, whatever the family looks like, they come in all shapes and forms today. But I hear that genuine love for that unit when you explain this, where does that come from for you?

00:33:19: Maria

I guess from my own family too. You know, I am one of eight siblings. So, we came from a big family and my mom never worked. She worked with us. She was at home and for a person who did not go to school to study child development, oh my gosh she taught us a lot of things. She was very invested in us and talked to us about of course, the love for God and the love for the family. My dad was a working person, and we wouldn't see him in like, every two weeks he will come and stay with us because he lived in a different city to work, but we never felt his absence because my mom will always keep his presence with us, and so that was another thing that I learned you know, and I always wanted to have kids to be able to share the things that I couldn't share with my mom. So, when I have my kids, we danced together. We did many things together. We still do. I'm a grandparent now. It's fun when the kids come home, and we can continue. They call me Tita, and so I've been…I even have a titasaurus or my child for my grandkids who loves dinosaurs.

00:34:49: Athena

Yea.

00:34:50: Maria

I'm a titasaurus.

00:34:51: Athena

Gotcha. I hear some protective grandma power in there, Maria.

00:34:57: Maria

Yeah. Anyway, so talking about methodologies or references. The Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) that's one intervention modality we use here at Desert Mountain Children's Center and for me it's one of the best therapy modalities because it is giving the parents the guidelines to work with their kids in a way that the kid thinks it’s the parent who is giving those words, and the parent is listening through a little bud in the ear, and we are guiding the parent from a different room.

00:35:34: Athena

Okay.

00:35:35: Maria

While watching what they're doing. So, and it’s providing that positive parenting based on the PRIDE skills, which one of them is Praise, and that for me, one of the best ones when you are praising the child for the things that they're doing, even for the effort. So, when you do that, you're going to see wonders in that child.

00:35:57: Athena

Right.

00:35:58: Maria

And then describing what the child is doing in front of you instead of why are you doing that? Don't do it this way. Blah blah blah. Say oh, you are holding the red pen with your right hand or blah blah, you know, just describing.

00:36:12: Athena

Right.

00:36:13: Maria

So, it is a very good intervention modality to work with. Now there are books. There are books that are really good for parents to read and books that are based on social learning and one from Bandura then Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen. It combines the kindness and firmness to teach responsibility and self-control, for example. So, there are very good resources out there and now with the technology, you can go to YouTube, put parenting, positive parenting and it gives you so many different skills and teaches many things that you can practice daily.

00:36:58: Athena

So, here's what I appreciate about how you shared this with us. You do have the research-based information for folks to go in who want to dig a little deeper into the developmental side of things, but I heard you say something earlier that when you become a parent, you instantly come up with your own strategies based on your love for your kids. You get really creative. You start improvising because you don't have time you know, most times to go, sit down and read something. You start the minute you become a parent. So, for parents who are listening. I'm sure that's less intimidating you know, to think if I want to try a different approach to parenting, I have to go do this research there. There are natural things that you can try right now with this approach, and I'm sure people appreciate that.

00:37:48: Maria

Yes, definitely it’s the connection. You know, connect with your child. Love your child. When you were expecting the child, you were having all these ideas or images of how this wonderful life is going to be and how much you're going to love it. And then for the first year, that's what happens, you love it so much. Once the child becomes a toddler, mixed feelings start happening.

00:38:14: Athena

Reality sets in.

00:38:17: Maria

But I’m thinking that I'm here for my child with my child, not against my child.

00:38:24: Athena

Right.

00:38:25: Maria

You know, I'm here to love this child and guide this child so it can be better than me. And many times, we hurt when they’re go into school, for example. Oh, thank God, finally, vacation is over. They're going back to school or the other way around. Oh my gosh, vacation time is going to start pretty soon. I don't know what I'm going to do with them, right?

00:38:46: Athena

Right.

00:38:48: Maria

It's beautiful to think the other way around, which is wow, I can't wait for vacation.

00:38:53: Athena

Yeah, our time together, right?

00:38:55: Maria

Yes. So, all these plans for all these different things to do.

00:38:59: Athena

Right.

00:39:00: Maria

You know, and then now that you guys are going back to school, I'm really going to miss you very much and I want to be waiting at home, you know. So, having that mindset change gives you that you know we are here. We have these kids because we love them, and we want them to know that no matter what happens, my kid has my unconditional love. No matter what happens.

00:39:27: Athena

That’s beautiful Maria. I appreciate you sharing, especially about your own family and your kids, and now I know what your grandbabies call you. Don't be surprised if you get an e-mail from me with that…with that in the beginning. Is there anything else you'd like to share? Anyone listening? Parents even educators that you want to leave them with.

00:39:53: Maria

Remember that you say if you don't have all the skills that you think you have to have, if you cannot have all the resources, that you have yourself and yourself is enough for this child that is in front of you. The child loves the parent no matter what and they want to feel that. They want to feel loved and protected. So, trust who you are. Trust what you have and just love your child and connect with your child.

00:40:24: Athena

Well, I mean we can start with that and then keep on building on it. But you're right, no one's perfect. Everyone's family looks different, and it's not going to be easy, but enjoying the moment and the time that we do have, because it does pass by so incredibly fast. I know that from first-hand experience right now, so I agree with you on that. Thank you so much for coming and talking with us today. I feel like with the experience I know you have, we're going to pull you back in and talk a little bit more, but until then, thank you.

00:40:57: Maria

Thank you and thank you for everybody who is listening to this podcast.